did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
