On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
