It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize