Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
