HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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