You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
