Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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