I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
