She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
