Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
