DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
