a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize