how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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