so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
