You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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