There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
