She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
