yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
