There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he just fucked me for my cheese.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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