Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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