last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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