She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They took my balls.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
