First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
