after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
