i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
