So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
