Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
