I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
