they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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