Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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