On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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