i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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