Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
