he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
