then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
