i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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