You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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