you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
