just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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