They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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