My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
