3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
