his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
