When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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