WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
