Do you still have your period?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
