on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
