I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
