If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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