you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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