I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
