Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
