pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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