One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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