So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
