I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
