If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
